¡No me odie porque soy hermoso!

.:.Sometimes all you wish for...is someone to wish for you.:.

Tue, 27 Apr 2004 02:28:59 GMT

Wow..haven't updated for a long time. Nobody really reads these anyway this whole journal thing was just to say whats been going on in my life and get out all my frustrations..and I have those alot...

During the whole musical time, I had an incredibly HUGE crush on Tyler. Everybody was trying to get him to ask me to prom..well, it didn't happen. During the last 2 weeks of the musical Craig would always say things about Peter and talk about how great of a guy he was. So, after the musical was over we started to talk..and we hung out, then he asked me to prom. I was so excited. Just last night..that fell through. He said that we "rushed" into things and he didn't want to go to prom at all. Biggest lie ever, but its just one of those things you shrug off. Oh..it gets better...and I'm not being sarcastic..it really does get better...

I only go in to school for half days. I get there around 11. My first period class is spanish and I was trying to walk into the room..but I saw Tyler coming down the hall so I stopped just to say hi to him--trying to be slick. Well, he grabbed my arm and pulled me aside and ASKED ME TO PROM!!! Ahhh, you have no idea how happy I was/am. This is the guy, that I wanted to ask me in the beginning and after all this time..it finally happend.

Talk about things happening for a reason...

Mon, 12 Apr 2004 23:18:21 GMT

I want this day to end so badly, but then again, tomorrow is a new one and it's not going to change. This whole week is going to be horrible. A part of me is still in denial about it all. I don't know what to think, how to feel, or what to do to make this situation better or make people feel better. I can't focus on anything...so many emotions...

.:.Say goodbye and just fly away, when you come back I have some things to say.:.

Sat, 10 Apr 2004 02:12:48 GMT

Summer can't come soon enough. I was outside for a good two hours today because it was so beautiful out. I can't wait until it gets alot warmer and it stays like that for a couple months. It's going to be nice...

Thursday, I had a doctors appointment. I really think doctors get paid way too much for the little work they do. I've been sick since October 2003, I've gone to over 5 different specialist and they still have no clue what my problem is. This doctor that I was just at, he gave me this heart monitor thing. I have to wear it for 30 days. Well, I'm supposed to wear it for 30 days, I'm only supposed to take it off when I shower. I don't have it on now. Oh well, I highly doubt they find anything wrong with me because I've already had this test done. Anyway, it's a pain in the ass. Also, at the end of April I have to go to the Harrisburg Hospital to have some "Tilt Table" test done. The doctor said they put an IV in me and strap me to this table and apparently it comes up real fast so I faint. How fun, I'm excited about that...I'm really sick of being sick. I just haven't had a good year with my health. I want it all to be over and start new. Not alot of people understand what I'm going through and I don't expect them too, it's just hard when nobodys there for you and when you do try to talk to somebody all you get is a "You'll be fine" or "Everything will work out in the end." It's very annoying, so I really keep to myself when it comes to things like this.

I've noticed I always get screwed over when it comes to guys. More than half of the time it usually is my fault, I'm not going to deny it, but the only reason it is my fault is because I don't want a boyfriend right now. I go through phases where I don't want a boyfriend because I like to flirt and talk to my share of the guys, but then I sometimes want one because I want somebody to be there for me and somebody that I can spend time with. I don't know..I went out with Brian Smith a couple times. He took me out to eat and we hung out alot and when we did spend time together we had a great time. You could say that I had feelings for him, because I did, but that still didn't change the way I felt about having a boyfriend. WELLLLL...now, he's pretty much with Julia Miller. Call me jealous, I don't care but that's what I was talking about getting screwed over, and again...it's my fault. Tyler is a different story, I have one of the biggest crushes on that kid, something I usually do very well with. I had a great time flirting with him during the musical and I'm very sad it's over. At the cast party, we didn't talk. He spent the whole entire night with Leah. It was such bullshit and this time it wasn't my fault for once, he wouldn't even give me the time of day to spend any time with him. Just recently we started to talk alot though..so I'm not sure. I give up on him, whatever happens, happens. I think I deserve better...maybe not. Last night I had a date though..it was fun!

I love easter. I think it's my second favorite holiday. Not only do I get 3 easter baskets filled with candy, but tons of summer clothes AND a new bathing suit! Bathing suits only equal one thing--Summer.

All of this was so random. I apologize to everybody who reads this, I just needed to get all of that out of my system.

.:.I don't know what the future holds, but I know it doesn't hold what they expect it to.:.

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 01:35:57 GMT

Guys & Dolls...wow...

I haven't written in a long time because the musical was sucking up so much of that time, now that it's over...I'll be writing more often. The first three days in April were probably three of the best days in my entire life. I've never been so close with a group of people and it's very sad letting that all go. I know, I know, this is my first musical and I have two more years but so many seniors are leaving this year. Seth, David, Craig...a ton more, I just can't think now and I have no idea what were going to do without them next year. Then I think about whose going to be leaving next year. Kat, Andy, Erin, Rachel, Jarrod, Chuckie, Tyler, Steph, Bailey...next years going to be rough. There's going to be nobody to step up and take the lead roles after they leave. They can't leave...I'm not letting them!

So much talent was up on that stage this weekend and we finally came together as a family and now its over. Of course we'll all see each other in school but it will never be the same. I don't know what to do with myself anymore...I would be at musical practice still if it wasn't over, but I'm sitting at home on the computer. I didn't think it would hit me this hard...

I listened to the soundtrack last night as I fell asleep...

I just want to say THANK YOU to all the girls and guys in Havana. I've gotten nothing but good compliments from the show and you all rocked. Couldn't of done it without you AND my wonderful dance partner. That was one of my favorite scenes to do...I miss it.

.:.I remember how I felt in the end, how amazing it feels just to live again.:.

Sun, 21 Mar 2004 18:45:25 GMT

It's been so long since I've written, I was actually going to one day last week and I brought the page up and signed in and all that junk but then I just got totally lazy and I clicked out of it. It's been about a week, and I still have nothing exciting to tell you about.

During the week I have no free time. I go to school, track and then musical practice which is pretty much the highlight of my night. I'm going to be so depressed when it's over, I'm going to have nothing to do. It will be sad.

I have no clue what happend last week that would even be worth the time to type it so, I'm just going to skip to yesterday. :::Sigh::: We had musical practice, the last dance rehersal. I had to be there all day because I'm in both Havana and I'm a hot box girl, which sucks pretty bad. Anywayyy, I was so scared that something whats going to happen-{maybe like somebody shoving Tyler into me when were doing the whole kissing thing} Thats what everybody said was going to happen, but it never did. I was pretty glad that it didn't because I would be so embarrassed. We had Havana for 2 hours and I didn't mind it at all it was pretty fun, being with Tyler that whole time. Mr. Bowman, Holly, Kyle, Buddy, Andy and Kat are so horrible and I'm really starting to dislike all of them. While we were dancing they kept smiling at me and making all these gestures to kiss him and stuff, it was so horrible. Even when Tyler and I were doing our part I could hear them say stuff. I had a good time dancing with him. We had an hour break for lunch and he asked me to go to lunch with him. He said he was hungry for McDonalds so thats where we went. It really wasn't anythings special considering Jill went with us but I had a good time and I never thought that would happen.

After we were done eating Tyler went to the bathroom and Jill and I were talking and she said something about me having the hots for him. I said something to her about everyone trying to get him to ask me to prom she said that she'll talk to him. So, apparently I have alot of support. Musical practice was good. 11 days left! Everyone hasn't been very full of enery and I think when we get our constumes this week it will make it all better. Also, we get to go to the Exeter trip this Friday. It's going to be a good time.

.:.I was thinking if you were lonely, we could leave here and no one would know.:.

Sat, 13 Mar 2004 23:36:25 GMT

I really need to get a life. Atleast act like I have one. Things will be so much easier when I can drive--which won't be for awhile but it's something I'm looking forward to. I'm sitting at home, on a Saturday night, with no plans and nobody to call. How sad is that?! Yesterday was fine being home alone all night with nothing to do, I needed that. Staying home two nights in a row is were I draw the line, or where I attempt to draw the line.

We had musical practice today it went quite well actually. The boys had to be there at 9 so I got to sleep in an extra hour. We had Havana from 10-11. We only ran through the dance twice but we cleaned the first half of it. Everyone was getting all frustrated so that just added to the stress. I actually handled myself pretty well. Tyler usually has to calm me down, but there was no need for that today. When we clean a dance, we do it by 8 counts. One at a time, talk about boring. It really does help the dance look alot better but it's a very stressful process. Especially when were going over the easiest moves and people don't get them right. So we have to do it over and over again until EVERYONE has is perfect.

While we were cleaning Havana we got to the part where the guys get down on their knees and kill up our arms and then we pull them reallllly close to our face like were going to kiss them but then we push them away. Well, of course, we had to do that all slow and count that out. Jarrod "claimed" he knew how to do it so he showed all of us. He didn't do it right, so Tyler said he knew how to do it, he was pretty much acting goofy the whole time, but he decided to kiss up my arm and then like grab me and kiss me on my cheek. My face got so incredibly red, it was so horrible. Then to make it all worse Jarrod yelled out "SHE'S GETTING ALL RED!" I could've killed him. Of course, I didn't mind the whole kissing thing, but to have all those people watching? Oh well..I didn't mind.

When Havana was over I had an hour for lunch. Buddy and I ran to wal*mart because he had to pick up pictures--we saw Tyler there. Which was a little strange. Not really, we didn't really talk much, he was busy buying his sister a cd for her birthday. Then, Buddy and I went and got food and went back to the school--nothing exciting.

We FINALLY finished all of our songs for hot box. I'm so incredibly happy. Now, it's just the whole cleaning thing. It's gonna take time for "Take Back Your Mink" because we have a kick line and everybodys not that great of a dancer. It will look really good. All I know, I was in a great mood today at practice because everything went so smoothly. I love it. 19 days!

After practice I had to wait for my brother to pick me up. He's always late so I talked to Holly and Mr. Bowman for 20 minutes. Of course, we got on the subject of Tyler. Mr. Bowman dared me when were doing the whole kissy thing in Havana to just grab is shirt and kiss him. Yeahhhh, that won't be happenin' he really thinks I should though. He said everytime our lips touch, so it's really not that big of a deal. That will be the day, me..kiss Tyler. hahaha. Bowman said he's going to have a talk with him the next time he has him in a lesson. I'm nervous.

So, practice went good today. I'm happy. Now, I'm bored outta my mind, with nothing to do and nobody to hang out with. Like I said before...I need a life.

.:.Do you know what it's like to want something so bad, then having to let it go?.:.

Sat, 13 Mar 2004 03:42:43 GMT

I just noticed that I LOVE staying home alone, on the weekends. It's so relaxing--take a long hot bath, listen to some good music. :::Sigh::: I'm glad I didn't go out tonight. Yes, I have no life..but, I have to admit, staying home alone is probably one of my favorite things.

.:.I'm aware that all in love is fair, but that's no reason to make me feel this way.:.

Fri, 12 Mar 2004 22:50:51 GMT

Wow..I've been pretty busy this whole entire week, and It will be like that until the musical is all finished. I have school>track>musical..then I come home and do about the two hours of homework that I have every single night. It's not very fun. I know I get to sleep in, but I'm still revcovering from mono and I just get so worn out so easily. Oh wellll...

I think the last time I wrote was Tuesday, so, I'm sorry for the lack of entries. Musical has been going alright. We had an awesome night on Wednesday and Mr. Bowman pretty much praised us at the end of practice. Thursday was another story. We were horrible, just looking at his face we could tell that we were all having an off day. So, we got lectured about that--I didn't really mind though. I'm so use to getting yelled at, I just kinda block it out. I don't know if thats a good thing?! Anyway, around 8 we all went into the chorus room and we watched the tape with Mr. Bowmans high school doing Guys & Dolls. He was actually really good because thats the first time I've ever seen him really "act." We watched a good bit of it, we saw the Hot Box girls and the whole Havana scene. I think ours is better though. Watching that really made me excited to do Havana--So hopefully, from now on, we'll have better practices.

Tomorrow, I have to be at the school from 10-2. Not that long, Hot Box practice is going to suck. We have so much to do, its going to be crazy. Havana is only a hour long, I'm pretty sad about that. I'll survive...I guess.

It's Friday night, I still have no plans. Who wants to sit at home, alone, on a Friday night? Not me. I probably won't find anything to get into. I was going to ask Brian if he wanted to hang out but I never got a chance to, so I doubt that happens. If I don't find anything to do tonight--I WILL be doing something tomorrow night after practice. Hmmm...

.:.Tell me who should I be to make you love me? What does it mean to be alone?.:.

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 02:53:08 GMT

I'm skipping right to the juicy stuff...

Musical practice pretty much sucked ass tonight. Well, Havana was fun because of a certain somebody. I'll talk about that later. I seriously, don't want to be a Hot Box Girl. Ok, I do. I just don't like the work ethics of the other girls. They talk, they don't pay attention when Holly is teaching so after she finishes the move, all the girls ask about a million questions. It just really pisses me off and tonight was so horrible. I was the only girl that had enough guts to actually talk to the other girls before practice and tell them we only have about 23 days left and we still have a TON of work to do. I don't think anybody really cared, but if you ask me--Holly and Bowman should've picked better girls. Whatever, if they dont care, why should I?

I'm so sore--I doubt I run tomorrow because of my shins. Mr. Henry should die.

Track and musical practice tomorrow--shoot me in the face.

.:.I've come to one conclusion, that there's just no substitution.:.

Tue, 09 Mar 2004 03:05:01 GMT

It was an alright day. School went fine and then we had track. It wasn't THAT bad...we went outside and considering I had zero clothes on, that didn't really help me at all. We stretched until forever and then we ran like crazy--I started to feel really light headed so I went back up to the school and I ran a couple laps on the track before all the girls came up to do our "stretching" which was us basically sitting in a circle listening to coach talk. Very annoying. I'm gonna be really sore tomorrow, I'm already feeling the pain.

I had to leave track at 5 and go get something to eat. My mom took me to Wendy's..the worst place in the world. I hate it. I just sucked it up and ate because I was incredibly hungry. Then I ran into wal*mart and got some candy for the long hours we have to be at musical practice this whole month. I really shouldn't be eating it and Scudder made me feel really fat when I was eating swedish fish and he said.."Is that your diet for track?" So, I stopped. We ran through all of Act 1 which is pretty good for our first night. It went quite well. We had to run the Havana scene twice for Bowman. Scudder and I actually did pretty well..kinda. He actually told me I sucked when he messed the part up and I got pretty upset. After we were done dancing I wasn't in the best mood after he said that--but then he said he was only pissed at himself because he screwed up the part. I can't stay mad at him, I hate being mad at people. He's very sarcastic and I have to deal with enough of that so I just ignore pretty much everything he says. Everything will be fine by opening night. 24 days!

Tomorrow--I have track, again. Then I have to leave, get dinner and then go back to the school. I have to be there at 6:30, but I'm just going to go at 6 to watch the guys. Then we have Havana from 6:30 to 8. That's gonna be one long practice. Holly is going to turn into the evil dance nazi. Were just gonna keep drilling and drilling the dance. Practice makes perfect--It will be a good time. Always is. Then I have hot box from 8-9. I'm seriously gonna say something to all the girls before we start learning the dance so we can get it finished...It's really stressing me out. Hopefully they'll listen to me--thats highly doubtful.

:::Sigh:::

.:.I stand in your doorway, Your world looks so enchanting and all I have to offer you is this.:.

Sun, 07 Mar 2004 22:19:11 GMT

The showcase didn't turn out that bad last night. It was actually alot of fun. My mom taped it and I watched it after I got home and we were all together and nobody messed up. I was happy! Scudder did show up and I was so incredibly nervous. He was sitting a few rows behind my mom..so I went out there and talked to her--I looked up at Scudder and waved like a fool. It was so bad. Before we went on stage I seriously thought I was going to puke. It didn't help at all when Mr. Bowman kept poking me in the sides. So, I had to beat him up?! No, I just said he was really mean. That offended him--and I felt bad. So I told him I was only kidding. After we peformed we were allowed to go out and watch the second half of the show. I didn't really talk to Scudder that much because he left to go see Jarrod. I only stayed until after the old ladies did there dance and then we had to go pick up my brother. I go home around 9. I screwed up my back when I did the roll in "Pass That Dutch" so I took a hot bath and sat in the tub for an hour. It was rough.

This afternoon we had musical practice. That went alright. We actually finished Havana which is a great relief because now we only have to worry about cleaning it and making it better. Scudder was so nice. Of course he always is--but he picks on me non-stop. I don't mind though. He said that I did good last night and that he really liked our dances. He was very touchy feely and I didn't mind that at all either. :::Sigh::: I really need to stop this. After we had Havana I was leaning on the side of the stage and Scudder came and sat beside me. He was playing with my hair and put my hair in a clip right directly on the top of my head and then he showed Holly. Which was bad..Holly then said "Betsy, YOU SHOULD WEAR IT LIKE THAT TO PROM!" I could've killed her. It was so bad...I could feel my face get red and hot. I didn't really talk to him much after we had that break because he was doing all the guy dances. After that we had Hot Box...

I'm really getting annoyed. It just really pisses me off that I'm giving it my all and all the girls keep talking and not paying attention. We still haven't finished "Take Back Your Mink." The show is in like freakin' 25 days! It was so ridiculous and I was so ready to say something to the girls. I think I might have to next time we have practice. Hopefully, we'll finish the dance so we can just clean them. Holly did say that "Bushel and a Peck" was coming together. So, I have to give them props on that. I just don't want it to look bad. This stuff stresses me out big time...

Track starts tomorrow! Shoot me in the face. I'm going to be one tired little girl and I'll be pretty sore too. Track is until 5 and musical starts at 6. That lasts until god only knows when and then I have to come home and do my homework. I know, I know...I come in for only half of the day, but let me remind you--I have mono. So, I have a reason to be tired and all whiney. I don't think it will be that horrible tomorrow..but by the end of the week, my ass will be draggin' big time. You can count on that. I think I take too much on at one time...it's alright though-I like to keep myself busy.

Scudder...

hmmm...

.:.Why don't you just close your eyes, kiss my lips and let it go.:.

Sat, 06 Mar 2004 20:16:45 GMT

Up at 9am this morning. I had to go to dress rehersal for tonight. It only lasted until 11:30. After we did "If" we had to run off stage and strip off our clothes in the wings then I had to run around to the other side of the stage because thats the side that I start on for "Pass The Dutch"..well, I ran into something--I have no clue what it was but it hit my hip and it hurt really bad. So, tonight, I'm just going to go off on the opposite side and change my clothes so I don't have to make a scene running behind the curtains. I'm pretty excited though.

After my mom picked me up we went down to Hanover to Deka so I could get my character shoes and nudie for the musical. Tomorrow I'll actually be able to practice in them, if I remember to bring them. Then my mom took me to Subway to eat. I love me some Subway. I won't eat the rest of the night though--I'll only drink water. I don't want to get bloated before dancing. It's not a very good feeling.

I have to be at the school by 6pm. I still have to do my hair, make-up and get half ready...oh joy.

.:.If I don't mean anything to you, Don't be afraid to turn me loose.:.

Sat, 06 Mar 2004 03:59:01 GMT

Well, tech didn't go that bad. I was just pretty tired and not into the dances very much. It will be different tomorrow, hopefully. I have to be there at 9:45--get changed into our costumes and get all stretched out and be ready to dance by 10:15. It's going to be quite funny considering all of us girls have to strip off our clothes on the wings of the stage because we only have one song to change. It will be a good time though. I love doing stuff like that and being rushed. I don't know-I guess it's just the feeling. I'll probably get home around 12. I'll get a quick nap in before I have to take a shower and do my hair and make-up. Then off to the show!

I have to be there at 6pm and the show starts at 7pm. I'm only doing two dances but I love performing and being up on stage. Hopefully Scudder will show..so maybe I'll get to admire him from afar. Like always. :::Sigh:::

Crushes are bad. Damn them all to hell. Scudder needs to go somewhere because this isn't going to work out. He flirts so much but I can never tell how he really feels or anything like that. I hate having crushes on boys that don't like me back. It's probably one of the worst things ever. I quit. Boys are stupid.

I should really be in bed to rest up but I'm fighting with Kyle--so I'll wait a little longer.

.:.Suddenly you're in this fight alone. Steppin' out into the greatt unknown.:.

Fri, 05 Mar 2004 22:30:55 GMT

I have to be at the middle school for this tech rehersal for tomorrow night. I have no energy, I'm not in the best mood. Its probably one of the best times for me to dance because I can express myself--hopefully it will go good.

.:.I could search and never find someone that does me like you do.:.

Fri, 05 Mar 2004 03:01:10 GMT

Did I mention that my dad is coming to the musical?! You have no clue how happy this makes me. Wednesday we had practice and we did a whole lot of nothing. Just ran through the opening and closing scenes and "Sit Down You're Rockin' The Boat." We got lectured about how we need to be more into it. The hot box girls are always going full out when Chuckie is singing-so I have no idea what he's talking about. It feels like we have so much to do and so little time. I'm afraid that we'll never get the whole Havana dance finished. On Monday, I've never heard so many people complain in my life-at the same time. It was so immature. Holly was trying to explain the counts and when Scudder and I should come in and the only thing people could do was complain. It gets really annoying and if people are going to complain then they shouldn't be at practice or in the musical. I don't know--I just hope things go a little better on Sunday. Even though, Holly is going to turn mean and be the dance nazi that she is. I don't even want to know how Mr. Bowman is going to act. All I know is that Scudder and I need to pull our act together and get good at this dance. It will come together in time..hopefully.

I'm really afraid that we wont be finished with the hot box dances though. We finally finished "Bushel and a Peck" and that needs ALOT of cleaning. We started "Take Back Your Mink" which isn't even close to being half done. We really need to start working. I don't want to get yelled at. We won't have any of that stuff done and were starting run-throughs next week. Every night. For hours. It won't be very fun. I'm gonna get so worn out. I'll be fine though.

Today, we had our last dance team practice until April. It was pretty boring. Darcelle was being really stupid, as usual. Nothings changed in that department. We get to vote for another captain sometime soon. We already have one, of course, Kat. I have an idea who I'm going to vote for. It's only open to the seniors though-which is actually a good idea. Hopefully I'll get my turn my senior year.

This weekend is so packed. I have the showcase for the studio. Were performing the dance team dances. Only two dances but it's still stressful. Have to be there for tech tomorrow night for about an hour. Saturday morning for dress and then Saturday night for the show. It will be fun-it's been awhile since I've been on stage. I love the feeling. Scudder said hes "making an appearance." So, I'll have to do extra good.

I really do need to stop liking him. Correction-Having a crush on him. I can't handle all the flirting that goes on between us at practice and then nothing happens. So, if he doesn't like me, then he needs to stop flirting with me. Even though I enjoy it and I just lied when I said that he should stop because it's fun to flirt with him and all that good stuff. I just don't know how to go about it. Very confusing stuff. Oh well...

CHUCKIE IS SEXY!

.:.Day by day, we let love just walk away--and I'll be the first to say, I was glad to see it go.:.

Wed, 03 Mar 2004 00:31:46 GMT

Seems like I haven't written for days. Only two. That's days for me. Last night we had musical practice. We ran through the opening and closing scene and Sit Down Your Rocking The Boat a couple times. I thought that was what we were going to be doing for 2 hours because Mr. Bowman told me I could leave at 8. Well, 7:00 rolled around and everyone could leave but the havana dancers. I had no clue that we were having practice, I don't think anybody did. I was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt--It wasn't very good dancing clothes but I had one hell of a night!

This was possibly one of the best rehersals ever--but I sucked at doing the dance. I haven't laughed so hard for a long time, it was nice doing it again. Scudder was acting so stupid and I couldn't help but laugh. It was a good night--I don't think we were the only couple messing around and goofing off though. We actually talked a TON tonight, more than usual and it was really nice. I have a big crush on Scudder, actually, bigger than big. I just wish I didn't because he has no idea, and I kinda want to keep it that way unless we ever do get together to hang out. That will never happen. So, I live for musical practices so I can see, talk and flirt with him. :::Big Grin::: Ahhh!

I called my dad tonight he actually bought tickets to the show. So, my dad, step-mom and my step-sister are going to come either Friday or Saturday night. It all depends because I think my Aunt and her boyfriend are going to come too and they all want to come together. I'm so happy they all are coming! This will just make the musical better!

We have musical practice tomorrow-it's our last one unitl next week and then we'll have to be there EVERY night. I'm gonna be so worn out. Also, on Monday, good old track starts. So, I'll have track practice after school until 5. Then musical at 6--I've decided that I'm not even going to go home or leave the school. Its really pointless. My mom said she'll probably just run food in for me and I'll just do my homework until practice starts. Something like that-I'm not sure. All I know is that I'll be very rushed and worn out but it's all good. This is what teenage life is about...I think?

Should I ask him? OR Shouldn't I ask him...so many choices! Actually only two..

but it's a hard question...:::Sigh:::

.:.You hit me fast and hard, when you turned to me and said, "Never change the way you are".:.

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 01:22:54 GMT

It's gonna be warm this week! Get pumped! Summers on its way and I can't wait. :::Big Grin::: I can start breaking out the many pairs of flip-flops I have, which is alot!

.:.Kiss me once for the good times baby, kiss me twice for goodbye.:.

Sun, 29 Feb 2004 19:32:59 GMT

This weekend hasn't been very exciting. I'm dreading the fact that I have to go to school tomorrow and I have a week of school work that I'm going to have to make up. Having mono sucks, never get it. Yesterday was the first day that I was actually able to eat real food. Let me tell you, it was the best food I've ever tasted. I've never been so hungry in my life and never missed food so much.

Saturday we had musical practice. We still haven't finished the Havana dance yet, very close though. It was the best musical practice ever. I really wish I didn't have a major crush on Scudder. It would make life so much easier. I just don't understand him and the way he thinks. We talked so much and he was flirting like crazy during practice. I wish he would ask me to prom. I wish I had enough guts to ask him to hang out. I wish he would ask me to hang out. I guess I should stop wishing though...it won't happen. Enough about him. After we worked on Havana for 2 hours they boys had to work on the crapshooters dance. It's coming along real well. They only have one more 8 count until it's finished. That will probably be one of the best dances out of the whole show. Then we had good old Hot Box. We ran through Bushel and a Peck, that needs a TON of work and we started Take Back Your Mink. We strip in that song, it will be very, very cute. Mr. Bowman said were going to wear fake eyelashes--that's very exciting. I love fake eyelashes.

I'm really debating whether or not I should invite my dad to the show. I know that sounds really horrible...but it's the truth. My dad and I don't have a good relationship at all. He never really supported me in anything that I've ever done. Example: At my dance recitals, yes, he would come, but he would come for only about 5 of my songs that I would dance to. At my old studio I would atleast have 15 songs that I had dances to, but he wouldn't stay for all of them. I wouldn't even see him at intermission. So why would he want to come see his daughter in a musical where he probably wouldn't even say the whole intire time. I guess I should just ask if he wants tickets and if he says no then oh well. He thinks dancing is a waste of my time and I should do something that I can make a career out of. He's crazy. I LOVE dancing, that's what I do and I wouldn't give it up for anybody or anything. I'm going to show him one day. I will make a career out of it.

I think thats one of the reasons I love my mom so much. Always been behind me 100% when it comes to me performing and wanting to be on stage for a day. Shes gave up so much so I could dance and take classes. Atleast I'll have her at the show, and my grandma and my aunts and all my cousins. I love my family!

I can't wait until the show-It's coming up soon, and we still have alot to finish but it will be a good time.

I want summer to be here--NOW! I need to see my Josh. :::Sad Face:::

.:.Give me a chance to bow out gracefully, because that's how I want you to remember me.:.

Fri, 27 Feb 2004 21:31:32 GMT

I don't even know why I keep up to date with this thing. Andrea and Erin are the only people who read it. I'm sure my life isn't that interesting. I guess it is nice knowing you can type anything in this and nobody will read it and the people that do don't really care. I have nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to those two.

I have mono and I've been out of school for a week. My life is going to suck major something..real soon. Starting in March--we have musical practice like every night and correct me if I'm wrong, March is next week?! I don't know. I'm just going to have a ton of stuff to make up and I'm one lazy girl. Have faith though..when I need to get work done, I get to it. Having mono really isn't going to make things much easier on me, I have zero energy, I'm very tired. I have no time to go to school, do my homework and go to musical practice. Actually, I have time--just no energy. Ohhhh, and I forgot good old track. That's coming up which will just add to the stress it's all good though. I live for stress.

I'm over the fact that I'm not going to prom. I'm probably never going to ask him to hang out. He's never going to ask me to hang out and that will just make my boy problems alllll better. I'm lying again-It won't make things better, because I see him at musical practice and we talk and flirt and I like it. Man, I'm almost as bad as Erin.

Tomorrow should be fun..if only we could get the havana scene finished. I don't want to hear another speech from Mr. Bowman. Nobody does.

.:.You make the same mistakes, and I can't take anymore goodbyes.:.

Thu, 26 Feb 2004 02:53:24 GMT

Musical practice was quite interesting. I can't sing-thats for sure. So I just kinda mouthed the words which made me look incredibly gay. It's all good though. He talked to me! Ahhh, I'm happy. He noticed that I wasn't at practice on monday either. That was interesting-so I gave him a massage. His muscles are quite huge. Be jealous, I get to feel them. Me and every other girl that hangs all over him. :::Pout::: Ohhhh well...He then took my phone and put his number in it. Like I would ever call him. That's crazy talk right there. Saturday will be fun, kinda...if I ever get better. I hope I feel a LITTLE better. I'm still looking forward to it though...Mr. Bowman called me a trooper. I was excited. So, even if I don't feel well on Saturday I won't complain. Well...I'll complain a little. I'm a girl-I'm allowed.

I find it just a little funny how Kat thinks that I did something with Andy because were both sick-at the same time, with the same symtoms. Actually, she said she didn't think that, but why would she even question it?! I would NEVER EVER do that to her. Shes crazy if thinks I would. The only time I ever talk to Andy is when we are forced to flirt in the Havana scene. Quite frankly...I'm a little afraid of him. Oh well, I really don't care. It would be stupid of her to get mad.

This would be day 5 that I haven't ate real food. Of course, my mom actually makes dinner. Good food that I like, and I can't eat any of it. I just get to eat popcicles. Yum. I'll be sick of them by the time I'm over this damn mono. Which will be never.

Seriously..I think I have the worst luck ever. Everything that is bad, happens to yours truly. It's all really making me open my eyes though. Seeing what really matters and all. Even though this mono stuff if very painful, I really do need to start making my days worth while. My health hasn't been the best and it really puts things into perspective. Hmmmm....

*I'M BEAUTIFUL*

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.:.It can only take me back again, dreaming all those memories in black and white.:.

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 02:07:21 GMT

I went back to the doctors today. That wasn't very fun. She said that it's worse than it was on Sunday. I could be put in the hospital...if only I could drink. I need some pain killers...then it would all be good. I hate being sick..this is so very painful. I quit.

I have to go to musical practice tomorrow night. Actually, I don't have to go, but I'm making myself go. I don't want to get all behind and junk. I don't even know what were doing..but I know I won't be talking or singing-maybe a little talking. Hopefully it will be a little better. Not sure.

I probably won't be in school for this whole week. Andrea misses me at lunch. I'm so loved-only by her though, but Andrea loving somebody is quite a big step. So, I'm pretty happy!

I'm gonna go attempt to eat a popcicle. Wish me luck!

Ohhh, and the presents--just send them in the mail. Thats all I ask.

.:.Here I am begging you to hold me, when everbody is telling me to run.:.

Tue, 24 Feb 2004 02:11:10 GMT

Coming up on day 3. I haven't ate anything besides-popcicles, slushies and milkshakes. It even hurts to eat those things. I'm never going to get better. This is the most painful thing ever. I just haven't had much luck with my health lately.

..the presents still haven't gotten to me yet?! Where are they?

I didn't go to musical practice tonight. I feel realy bad that I missed, but I don't think I could take standing up on that stage for 3 hours running scenes. It just wasn't going to work. Mr. Bowman loves me so he won't hate me that much. I'm going to go to every practice from now on though..I just needed the night off-to rest my throat-which by the way, isn't any better. I didn't get to see him tonight at practice. :::Sad Face::: Oh well, I wouldn't be able to talk anyway considering it takes a year for me to say one sentence, and nobody understands me anyway. So, I think it's better this way.

Andrea Lynn Pritt has got to be one of the coolest kids on the face of this earth-not to mention a wonderful friend! We watch FINDING NEMO together. "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!" "I shall call you squishy and you shall be mine, and you shall be my squishy." Okayyy, enough fish jokes. I love you Andrea.

.:.Where you are seems to be as far as an eternity.:.

Mon, 23 Feb 2004 21:21:42 GMT

I have mono...shoot me in the face.

The gifts can start coming in anytime now.

.:.There's a danger in loving somebody too much.:.

Mon, 23 Feb 2004 02:46:10 GMT

I don't think anything could get any worse. I'm so incredibly sick. My throat is SO sore. My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I'm tired--but I can't sleep because my throat is almost swollen shut and it hurts. I quit being sick...If I have mono I will kill the person who gave it to me? I don't think that will happen, considering I have no idea. I could go on for days and tell you how much pain I'm in--you really have no idea how bad it hurts. I'll just stop..all of you should shower me with gifts because I'm sick. Thats all I'm going to say.

I actually went to the doctors today. It was at the hospital. She put me on some medicine for strep. I had to get blood taken because she thinks I have mono. I hope she is thinkin' wrong.

Nothing is going good for me. I'm sick, the boy that I have a HUGE crush on--pretty much hates me. Ok, so my life doesn't suck THAT much. When people say they have sucky lives it really makes me mad. I just would like them to think about all the dying/starving kids in the world over in those countries we never heard of. Then tell me how sucky your life is. So...mine doesn't suck. I have it good. Besides my crush hating me. Its all good though. I just show no emotions..like a mime? I think I'm delerious.

Musical practice should be fun tomorrow--singing..which will make my throat even worse. I can barely talk! How in the heck am I going to sing? I'll just mouth the words...maybe, because it hurts when I do anything invovling my face. I think I have to be there for stupid Hot Box tomorrow too. Which involves singing. My most famous words at musical practice.."I quit." But this time..I really mean it.

..oh wait, I don't at all.

.:.Sometimes I can't help but think what about me, Some days go by that I don't even see.:.

Sun, 22 Feb 2004 01:42:36 GMT

*If you aren't willing to risk it all...then you don't want it bad enough*

^That right there..is very true. I guess I don't want to go out with him that much. Who am I kidding, I really do. I'm scared.

Musical practice today went alright. The whole Havana scene was really stressing me out. Almost to the point were I could've cried. I'm sure it will happen soon enough. When it comes to dancing-I like to be perfect and when that doesn't happen, I get very upset. We finally finished one of the two hot box songs. It still doesn't look very great, I was running out of patience with those girls. Oh well..when the show comes, I'll look all good and they will suck. I don't mind.

I'm SO sick. It just came on all of a sudden. My throat is about an inch away from swelling shut? Is that even possible? I don't know..but I do know that it hurts..REALLY bad.